Subject: ON THE IMPORTANCE OF SECURITY 
From: eugene@cs.umb.edu (Eugene O'Neil)
Newsgroups: comp.lang.java.advocacy, comp.os.linux.advocacy, 
 comp.os.ms-windows.advocacy

A lot of people are up in arms about the complete lack of security in
ActiveX, and I can't blame them. This technology allows people to download
potentially dangerous code and run it on their own computer. A malicious
ActiveX control can delete files, corrupt programs, or send threatening
e-mail to the White House.  You would have to be utterly insane to use
such technology. 

As a solution to this dreadful problem, I suggest we pass a law making it
illegal to download, install, or otherwise attempt to use any software
that can have a damaging effect to a computer or it's files. Judging by
the legal disclaimers that come with most modern software, that includes
just about everything but Java applets running in the highest security
mode. Though such applets tend to be small, limited, and sorely lacking in
features, and utterly useless without strong server-side support, it is
the price we must pay for security. 

That would protect computers from the dangerous, malignant software that
is overwhelming the Internet, but what about the psychological dangers,
especially to children? There is nothing so unnatural as exposing children
to the sight of people who are not wearing the clothes god gave them, yet
as any television or newspaper reporter can tell you, the Internet is
overflowing with lurid images, perverts, and sexual predators.
Security-minded people like me cannot hope the children will simply avoid
unsavory characters and lascivious content, using only their own best
judgement. We must take drastic and intrusive action! 

But what action should we take? We could simply not allow children to use
computers at all. That would leave them completely unprepared to enter a
workforce growing more and more dependant on computers every day, but
there is an even more serious problem. Though the media coverage would
lead you to believe that lewd pictures, perverts, and sexual predators
exist only inside of the internet, new evidence that has just recently
come to my attention suggests that some of them might also exist outside
the internet as well. Also, we cannot overlook the possibility that
children might inadvertantly become exposed to their own nudity, no matter
how carefully their parents tie them down in bed each night. How can we
remain secure in the face of a crisis of such staggering proportions? 

The only sure way to save young, innocent children from this psychological
trauma is to poke their eyes out with a sharp metal implement on the day
they are born, and lock them in a closet away from all human contact until
they are legally an adult. It is a drastic measure, but anyone who truly
cares about safety and security in their lives knows that it must be taken
if we are to raise happy, well-adjusted offspring. I only wish my parents
were as kind to me.

That addresses the two most burning issues of computer security, but that
is hardly the end of our problems. There are problems of day-to-day
security that strangely remain completly overlooked. 

For instance: most houses aren't bulletproof, or napalm-resistant. Do you
realize that anyone with a machine-gun or a flamethrower could be a
serious threat to your life? Since the constitution guarentees the right
to keep and bear arms, we cannot simply take such weapons away from
people. The only alternative is to build our houses out of
steel-reinforced concrete, with outer walls no less than a foot thick. 

Sure, you could huddle in your flimsy wooden house, and hope you are lucky
enough not to be shot or burned by marauding bands of criminals, but
anyone truly concerned with security would not consider this an acceptable
solution. I think building codes should be updated to address this need
for well-armored housing. Many people will not be able to afford these
costly measures, and will be thrown out of homes deemed uninhabitable by
these stricter laws, but that is the price we must pay for security. 

That is only the beginning. Fresh fruit in the supermarket can be injected
with poison from a hypodermic needle, and you would never know until it
was too late.  Public water fountains can be rigged to deliver serious
electric shocks to anyone foolish enough to drink from them. Automobiles
can be rigged to explode.  LSD can be added to our tap-water. I have done
all of these things in order to demonstrate our alarming lack of security,
but nobody appreciates my efforts.  They treat me like a criminal! 

I could go on all day about the dangerous forces that threaten our lives,
the black helicopters that are watching us, and the little voice that
tells me to cover all the power outlets with tin-foil, but the doctors
tell me it's time for me to take my medication. Remember all I have told
you about the importance of security! Goodby!

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